Aib.
WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY LENGHTY POST. HAHA
Time2 PKPB ni, long weekend pon rase mcm biase je.
Yelah, bukannye boleh balik kampung pon.
Ye dak?
Ni tgh tnggu pengumuman PM. My bet that this PKPB would be extended. But i just hope that rentas negeri atleast dibenarkan la secara berperingkat.
Sian mak ayah atok nenek xjumpe anak2 and cucu berbulan2.
Ok. My point of writing.
Aib.
Smalam, i was scrolling in twitterland and somehow i stumbled upon this one account who is a relationship therapist by profession
A qualified doctor.
I wish i jumpa this account earlier on.
Because his/her tweet were spot on.
Some tweet are like salt to the wound but i know it bears the truth.
Hah. This one speaks to me. Ive been in a very dark place once upon a time.
The phase i never ever told anyone about .
Not even my parents.
At that moment, all i felt was victimized.
I was harrassed. I was bullied.
People dont get me. Semua org pon tak faham kita.
But i couldnt do anything about it.
I want to retaliate. I want to make sure who did this to feel pain like i felt.
But it was always opposed by hubs.
He said " what do you gain if you were to do all those thing you wanted to do?"
My answer would be " takde ape. Puas hati."
So he would ask me back, "so puas hati kalau die sakit hati,miserable macam you jugak?"
I said Yes. I was that hurt
Then he said," so sampai bile lawan2 sakit hati ni nak abes? I know youre hurting. So badly. But i dont want to see you hurt furthermore by retaliating."
He then just forbids me to do whatever i felt i needed to do ikut nafsu amarah.
I was so bitter. Like bitter BITTER.
My life was hell. Because i couldnt do what my hearts wants to do.
I resented my husband.
We fought , we made up
But still, he is firm to the core.
Kakak ni bukan la nak kate mithali beno, tapi once ur husband says no. It means no to me. And bende yg die suruh tu bukan benda yang salah. So as a wife , i have no other choice than to obey him right?
Trust me, theres a lot of time i just wanted to do whatever things i wanted to do.
I even write a few lenghty blogpost bout it that ended up in draft.
But i just cannot.
Tataula Allah bagi kekuatan cane utk restrained diri sendiri.
And everytime i was being bullied over and over again, i would go crazy daisy over and over again. Because i was already bitter to begin with.
But he stood still.
Eventho he's right, my rage would just put me into a miserable place and i would always feel victimized by the bully and my husband as i think he is inconsiderare of my pain.
But slowly i kinda adapted to his method that, whenever i was bullied or something horrible came up we would talk about it, and then laugh about it.
When he knows im stressed about something, he would let me sleep , take me out for icecream, took care of the kids and eventually joke about it. Haha.
I think that was when i healed.
This is also speaks volumee to me.
Because this is exactly what people around me would tell me to do.
Tak kire la i ade masalah kat office ke.
Dengan kawan2 ke.
Even when i was at the lowest of my low in life.
To not sebar aib org for our aib is dijaga dengan baik oleh Allah.
We bukak aib org, tak mustahil one day akan ade org bukak aib kite.
Tapi trust me, when you are not in the right state of mind, lagi2 tgh marah,benda ni susahh gila nak buat.
It need a lot or preserverence.
Nak cite dgn bestfriend/officemate, tentang husband you. Parents you. Your life. All the things that is aib.
Waktu sembang/luahan hati mmg syok. Berdegar2 marah. Nak2 lagi kene sokong.
Tapi Sok luse, kalau gado. Dgn cite2 tu skali tersebar.
This happened in my current workplace.
I know whose husband cheats. I knows whose family leeches on, whose in laws are hostile.
Sampai satu tahap tu, i was asking hubs. Why in the hell did they cite bende ni kat office?
I mean, ni tempat kerja kot. Should people know about ur private stuff?
I at times tempted jugak nak buat, tapi at these difficult time, slalu akan ade angel2 yg mengingatkan diri ini.
Like my sister ka. My husband ka.
Alhamdulillah for these angel.
Tu sbb kat ofis, we are potrayed as the perfect couple. Me and my husband.
Like we are a team that agrees on all things collectively.
Like we live on a unicorn cloud.
That I was so lucky to have him as my husband.
I even have a colleague that wanted a husband who behave just like my husband.
Like we were her couple's goal. Agitchew.
Hahaha.
They tot that I come from a well off beautiful tight knit family.
A very loving and charming husband.
And mylife is fairytale.
Because of what?
They never did know my struggles in my life.
Even kat office i jarang sgt cerita my personal bits except for my kids la.
Sbb kadang2 kat ofis ni, ramai yang senior boleh bagi parental's advice.
One time, i even got asked how did i managed being married without bercekau because people never see us bercekau.
Bahahaha.
If only they know.
We bercekau gazillion of times.
Sometimes bad, sometimes not so bad.
But i think one key to navigate through hardship is communication.
I know sometimes its easier said rather than done, but slowly we can try.
And lastly, how do i piece myself together through shits coming through my life.
I got this tips from kakna, when i was back in the uk and forever thankful for this.
I was having super hardtimes at uni at that time, when i got discriminate and were ditch from a group assigment just because i was muslims.
Literally a week from submission.
I was crying, and even wailing to my parents.
(Up until now jadik bahan ketawa my dad ok, haha)
Saying i nak benti belajar. I even said that i akan bayar balik hutang kpt la (sbb u kene bayar lumpsum incase if u forfeited study).
I was that determined to berenti belajar.
And kak na prasan, i was depressed.
I didnt go out from my room for days.
And she brings me dinner to my room, and say those miracle advice:-
Just picture yourself AFTER the submission date.
Just push through and picture yourself when u actually did hand in your coursework intime.
Alhamdulillah, ive got helps from my other coursemate who were willing to give me a hand lastminute on my assigments.
He even did help me with my finals paper.
I was prepared to resit the paper.
Siap simpan duit scholar incase kene pi buat test kat british council sbb i balik malaysia for summer holidays.
To my surprise, i PASSED the paper.
Ya Allah tatau nak habaq lagumanaaaa prasaan cheqqq.
Terus joli beli baju raya sekayu. Hahahaha
So my tips, always picture yourself after the storm.
It would atleast gives you strengh to push through and trust me, like the saying goes :-
Tu dia, panjang baq ang.
Haha. I hope it would help who were in a dark place right now.
Who thinks this is like the end of the road.
Knows that we are not alone in this world.
We still got Allah, surrounding people who cares about us.
So no matter how hurt we are, please please and please try not to sebar aib whomever or whoever did wrong to you.
Because we never knew when would be our time.
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